I am so grateful for the blessing of being adopted into the Smith family and having the gospel in my life. I just reread my mother’s short journal that my sister Loni typed up and had bound for all of us several years ago. It covers only about 2 years of her life, but still it gives a glimpse into how she felt about each one of us and her feelings about my dad, our family, and her faith.
She writes about me and the trials I was going through and the trials I caused her because of my behavior. I was about 16 when the journal begins and I was almost 18 when she wrote her last entry. Those were difficult years for me, full of sin, stupidity, and pride. I remember feeling unloved, only because my mom was so sick, she could not be there for me. I was such a needy, demanding child. I spent those years trying to fill the void with worldly things: boys, money, clothes, popularity, etc. Much of the time I lied to my mom so she would think things were better than they were. However, I could not lie to myself.
Throughout my mom’s journal she talks about how worried she is for me, and her hope that I will see my way through to do what is right. Although she was very naïve at times, and I doubt she knew all that I was doing (for which I am thankful- it would have broken her heart), she was so faithful. She continued to teach and urge me to remember who I was and to grasp a hold of the gospel.
As I read, I felt such gratitude for her example of faith. I continued to make mistakes, then repent, then make mistakes again, then repent. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but really thought I would be able to repent when I went to BYU and all would be well. Little did I realize that although I could repent of my sins and be forgiven, the damage to my spirit and my self-worth would take a long time to repair. I ended up making bad choices about marriage because I did not repent fully, and I did not give myself the time needed to repair my spirit and self-worth before getting married. Instead, as a broken, very flawed individual, and without much spiritual depth, I entered into a marriage covenant with someone who was also flawed and not ready for marriage. That choice had such a profound impact on my life- and continues to have an impact on my future generations as well. Without the example my mother set, I may have continued down a bad road, leading my children to a life without the gospel.
I got married the first time when I was 18, 1 month shy of being 19. I had Kai 10 months later, and was pregnant with Savanah 3 years after that. With a 3 year old that I loved more than life itself, and pregnant with my second child; I began to think about my testimony and how I was going to teach my own children. I realized that I did not know for certain like my mother seemed to know. She was my example. It was her faith, her strength, her willingness to be obedient, her love for the Lord, that I knew I wanted to have. I knew I needed to have those things in order to be the kind of mother I wanted to be. So I began a quest to find out for myself. My parents had read to us from the illustrated Book of Mormon. I knew from their teachings and from seminary of Moroni’s promise that if I read and studied, and then prayed with faith, I would know for myself through the Holy Spirit.
I spent the better part of that year studying the words of the prophets in the Book of Mormon. I read, I read the Book of Mormon, I followed a study guide, I pondered, I took notes, and I prayed. I did this while carrying my sweet Savanah in my womb. I continued after she was born and laying in her bassinet beside my kitchen table. I read as Kai played with his toys or took a nap. At the end of my spiritual journey, I remember praying to know if it was true. No pillar of light descended from heaven. No clear voice came to me proclaiming a heavenly message. No visions of angels or spiritual manifestations of my mother or other loved ones now passed visited me. Instead, a clear message rang in my mind as a feeling of peace enveloped my heart and soul. The message was, “It is true and you have always known it.”
I thank my mother for her example- which spurred within me a desire to know for myself so that I could be the same kind of mother she was to me. I thank my Father in Heaven for the blessing he bestowed upon me that I might have the opportunity to be raised in the gospel. I am so thankful for the opportunity to repent and be forgiven, and for the Lord to remember my sins no
more. So much so, that He would bestow upon me the blessings of a testimony so strong and true, that I could pass it on without doubt to my own children. “I stand all amazed at the love Jesus has for me, confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me. That He should extend his great love unto such as I. To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine.”
How grateful I am for such a mother.
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